I come from new names of old lands, Oceans, islands, continents, Snow and sand.
Between the blood spilled for selfish reasons, the crucifixion of sheep as camouflage for our fears; Home…
The place I come from …
Sometimes its people disappear with the wind, Its shape shifts from blinks to tears And whenever it does so it turns me into a foreign, again.
That’s how I get lost; how I get home; simply to leave again.
I come from seashells, different smells, Tastes, colors, Fetishes in the spotlight, the holy of brothels!
Where I come from… I sleep naked, covered by 3 blankets, waking up sweaty. I wear boots at the beach, Slippers at parties and I’m barefoot in the streets. Never ugly, nor pretty, the eccentric, the exotic Neither usual, nor repugnant, yet intriguing, deceiving.
The place I come from is a loop, a pattern in space, not very different from here, quite similar actually! It feels good to be back for the first time; Again.
“A Ugandan praise song that tells the story of Moses, a man from Uganda, the site of the Lake Victoria, the source of the River Nile, who worked as a security guard at my secondary school in Qatar. After leaving his home and his heart to earn a living in the high-developing Arab nation, he went on to become a great friend of mine and the one who taught me the strong value of maintaining a smile no matter what worries may crowd your mind.”
“This is called the MK Patriot. I made it because many times I feel torn between supporting all the countries I love. I am an MK (missionary kid). I grew up in Panama and Paraguay, and my parents are from the USA and Canada.”
Do you know how many times I have moved? Sometimes I count them on my fingers, fistful after fistful of tears swollen in my throat and I try to remember every single one but I can’t.
Too many. Too many times, it’s the only number that fits the emotion and I know this won’t make sense to you but my hands are full of this place now and I can’t hold any more.
When I open my palms the memories are dripping out and I’m afraid if I stay longer I will forget.
I don’t want to forget.
Do you know how many times I have moved? When I sleep I dream of muted whispers in languages you don’t speak and when I wake up I write songs about the dusty grass of places you’ve never been and sometimes when you hold my hand I imagine the worlds I have known imprinted on my palm, burning you in your ignorance. How could anyone expect you to love something as fragmented as me?
I tried, I really tried to unclench my fists of memories, to open up my hands and belong. But every time I look at my palm I see the lines of roads leading other places and I can’t stop tracing them, can’t stop aching to leave. I can’t be part of a whole world; everything is random moments and I am disconnected from the planned future.
I’m not here to stay. I’m never here to stay.
You asked me tonight to go out with you, tired grin through voice texting and I wanted to say no.
But instead I said yes and I drove on these winding roads that never lead to other places and I opened my hands to you. I stayed another day, I spilled a few more memories and let you matter a little bit more – I loved.
Do you know how many times I have moved?
Too many, it’s the only answer that fits and when I tell you I love you I want you to think of that. I don’t know how to be a part of just one world, how to hold your hand and love and be loved without being burned by the smallness of the story.
Staying here is like being trapped, and I value freedom. But even more than freedom, I value you.
This is a TCK’s love poem, telling you how badly I want to leave in hopes that you will understand how deeply you matter…
It’s okay if you don’t understand.
There is a vast difference between us, a Sahara Desert of sandy separation but I’m trying (please tell me you can see that I’m trying) not to keep my distance.
It’s my desert. And every day I stay the liquid memories leak out of my hands into the sand and I think, I think, new life is growing here. New life, small and green and fragile, hopeful and timid.
So I will grow a trail of oasis across this desert, copy for you the map of roads on my palms and let you destroy this distance I have always kept.
But I’m not making promises.
One day I will add another number to “too many” and I will shut my fists tight around these memories and I will leave.
But today is not one day, and for now I am busy growing life in a desert with you.
Just don’t keep your distance, and I won’t keep mine.
You sent a photo out your window of Tokyo Told me you were doing fine You said the cherry blossoms were blooming And that I was on your mind But I couldn’t make you out through the glitches It’s how it always seems to go So we say our goodbyes over messenger As the network overloads When the network overloads
You’re my wanderer, little wanderer Off across the sea You’re my wanderer, little wanderer Won’t you wander back to me Back to me
Always fall asleep when you’re waking I count the hours on my hands Doing the math to the time zone you’re at Is an unseen part of the plan But if you’ll be my bluebird returning Then I’ll be your evergreen Standing tall on your horizon Guiding you home to me Guiding you home to me
You’re my wanderer, little wanderer Off across the sea You’re my wanderer, little wanderer Won’t you wander back to me You’re my wanderer, little wanderer How I wish that you could see You’re my wanderer, little wanderer How I need you back with me Back with me
You sent a photo out your window of Paris Of what you wish that I could see But someone’s gotta be the lighthouse And that someone’s gotta be me And I hope your absence makes us grow fonder I hope we always feel the same When our eyes meet past security, We embrace in the baggage claim When we kiss in the baggage claim
You’re my wanderer, little wanderer Off across the sea You’re my wanderer, little wanderer Won’t you wander back to me You’re my wanderer, little wanderer How I wish that you could see You’re my wanderer, little wanderer How I need you back with me Back with me
Another filled up, worn-out suitcase, another crossed off day— Tomorrow I’ll again be going a million miles away. I know someday I’ll return, but I know it won’t be the same Because that’s just how it’s always worked in the traveler’s game: Always moving; always settled; I don’t fit in; I belong— Trying to blend in but always doing someone’s culture wrong. I love the memories; I’m going to hold them close and dear. Farwell, the ticket says I’ve got to leave, so goodbye to here.
Goodbye to every face I’ve come to love. Hello to familiar skies above. Goodbye to what I’ve learned so I can blend. Hello to strange customs that are my friend. I face it all with no and every fear. Hello to over there; goodbye to here.
I go through the familiar airport procedures and routines Until it’s my turn to get into that big flying machine. As I take off, I watch everything below grow so small, And I can’t believe that again I’m leaving behind it all. Trying not to cry even though I’ve got memories to keep. Trying to keep myself entertained and then just fall asleep. Trying not to laugh as I get excited about what’s ahead. Trying to trust that we follow where God has faithfully led.
Goodbye to every face I’ve come to love. Hello to familiar skies above. Goodbye to what I’ve learned so I can blend. Hello to strange customs that are my friend. I face it all with no and every fear. Hello to over there; goodbye to here.
I can’t imagine life for those who always live in one place, Knowing what they’ll do each day and recognizing every face. One mind, one tongue, one heart, one life, one home, one land where they live. They say I sacrifice, but there’s more than what you see me give. Maybe I can’t define home or use one speech to tell how I feel, But I know I’ve come to love this world in a way much more real. Someday maybe I’ll settle in a place most people call home, But my heart still won’t understand why I can’t forever roam.
Goodbye to every face I’ve come to love. Hello to familiar skies above. Goodbye to what I’ve learned so I can blend. Hello to strange customs that are my friend. I face it all with no and every fear. Hello to over there; goodbye to here.
