Some days I barely feel alive They ask me how I am But there’s not much going on inside So I say I’m fine I guess I’m alright Cuz I’m not crying but I’m up all night
And there’s no rain and there’s no sun And I could never love someone Cuz all I am is numb Coming undone And falling through this neutral room This neutral room
There’s no ups but there’s no downs I’m washing all the colors out And no one comes inside this house the way that they used to All I am is empty space But there’s no room inside this place To let anymore hearts through
I’ll just play it safe in my neutral room
Outside life spins faster They’re lost in their laughter And things just keep on moving the way that they do While I stand still In this neutral room
And there’s no rain and there’s no sun And I will never love someone And there’s no sun and there’s no rain And I refuse to feel the pain I do In my neutral room
And there’s no rain and there’s no sun But I won’t ever lose someone And I refuse to feel the love I do In this neutral room
There’s no ups and there’s no downs This empty house is home for now Come and pull it down I’m begging you
Seems like everyone leaves and nobody stays I’m such a mess and I feel out of place Nowhere is home and I’ll never belong I’m just passing through, and then I’ll move on
And I know it’s better to love and to lose and to hurt than to keep my distance
So take my hand, let’s run away Tell me your story, I’ll share in your pain Dive in the deep end, trust without fear And we’ll make this time worth all the tears Please don’t keep your distance
There’s not enough time to hide who you are So show us your bruises, your burns and your scars And we will show you ours We don’t keep our distance
Take my hand, let’s run away Tell me your story, I’ll share in your pain Dive in the deep end, trust without fear And we’ll make this time worth all the tears There’s no room for shallow here Please don’t keep your distance
It’s time to say goodbye again
I stare out the airplane window A hundred memories come back Tears flood my eyes and I don’t hold them back Each moment creates more distance between us But I’m glad I know while I was there I loved With everything I had, I didn’t keep my distance, Didn’t take the easy way out, I didn’t keep my distance
Hello I’m sorry I might take things a little too fast It’s just because I’ve learned that nothing lasts Please don’t keep your distance There’s not enough time Because everything changes, everything changes And I’m already thinking of goodbye Soon I’ll say goodbye again
And nowhere is home and I’ll never belong Nowhere is home and I’ll never belong We love and we lose We always say goodbye Nowhere is home, nowhere is home
Wind in our hair, hearts in the sky Salt on our tongues, sun in our eyes As the ocean flies by And we’re young and free And our love runs deep And our pain runs deep ‘Cause we feel everything, everything
And we will Never have this moment again We’ll never have this moment again
The sky is dark, then bursts with color All the sparks start off another circle in time And we look up at the lights And we’re young and free And our hope runs deep And our hurt runs deep ‘Cause we feel everything, everything
And we will Never have this moment again We’ll never have this moment again
A piece of paper in your hand A piece of paper in my hand Different paths and different plans Can’t we just stop time And hold on to this moment Like we’re holding on to each other? Let’s forget just for a second life goes on ‘Cause in this moment We’re young and free And the tears flow free
And it’s bittersweet
We feel everything And we will Never have this moment again
So close your eyes and take a picture with your mind Close your eyes and take a picture with your mind So you’ll remember what it’s like Right now We have everything, everything Everything, everything
I don’t usually ever act this way But they don’t know that Lately I just haven’t felt the same But they don’t know that They say this is freedom, spread your wings You can be whoever you want to be When nobody knows you Nobody knows me
I’ve gotten good at starting over But I’m tired of moving on And counting down the days til Everything is gonna change and Another part of me is gone
The other night I just fell apart And they all know that Lately I have had a heavy heart And they all know that They say it gets better, give it time But I’m running out and I feel like I Don’t even know me I don’t even know me
I’m tired of starting over I’m numb from moving on Packing up my things and seeing what the next place brings and Another part of me is gone
Soon I’ll be starting over And letting go and moving on So I am on my knees Praying that before I leave This place will feel like home
I’m packing up my things You’ll always be a part of me Every time I leave I leave behind a part of me And Another part of me is gone
If I could change I would, if I could take back all the pain I would I’m tired of being a TCK.
Does that make me a traitor?
I’m tired of tracing my names into walls to prove I was there, tired of learning faces and names that won’t remember me in a year, tired of swallowing down foreign languages and cultures and always setting myself aside. (Who even is myself? )
I’m tired of the goodbyes I never say, tired of walking lost in the crowd, tired of being noticed and being different and sleeping in a different bed every month. I’m tired of being the outsider and tired of pretending I’m not. I’m tired of watching the road splay out behind me and knowing it’s all that’s ahead, too.
I’m tired of being a TCK and I just wanna go home. For a litle while? Can I relax and breathe and be loved as myself, be a permanent something?
But the only homes I’ve ever known are scattered across the globe, impossible and my identity is carved into my soul, undeniable
home is a lie and belonging is a lie and everything I’ve ever dreamed of is a lie and so I sing myself to sleep with lies and pretend I believe them or maybe I pretend I don’t – I can’t tell anymore and all I know is everyone I have ever met is a liar and I’ve been told too many lies to ever believe anything again and – God! God, I’m tired of lying.
I went to church today and sat in a red plastic chair while at the whiteboard in the corner the TCKs clustered, markers bleeding onto their hands while they all wrote their names and I wanted to tell them it doesn’t matter and it’s a lie you were never here
I’m tired of being a TCK, Tired of tracing my name into walls to prove I existed but mostly, I’m tired of lying
It’s time again, time to step out of one world into another, and we are seasoned travelers by now. Gathering up our passports, charging cords, exchanged currency, luggage tags, and pens for immigration… we know how to do this.
So I stand in yet another line, a nylon strap tugging on my shoulder, new sneakers rubbing on new socks, with the echoes of “goodbye” still ringing in my ears and my heart and I remember that If your same blood doesn’t run in the arms and legs of the person you’re next to, you can’t trust anything.
After all, no one else ever stays.
Here we go again… my sister nudges me to move forward and my brother steps off the edge of grounded concrete and my parents murmur about forgotten things one last time. We know how to do this.
Eleven hours later all the light we cannot see rises with the sun behind us above a country we no longer belong to, but we link arms – united against this brand new world to navigate.
They say Africa is A permanent thing, That you can leave it behind but It won’t leave You behind I don’t know if that’s true
They say Africa is Always accepting, Open-armed to welcome Even the ones who’ve been gone The longest I don’t know if that’s true
They say Africa is Undeniable in your blood, That it cannot be forgotten, That children of Africa Can only grow up to be Africans No matter how life goes
I was a child of Africa. The language is slow on my tongue now, And culture comes hesitantly, in bursts Of memory that are ashamed of their weakness In the safety of my home I am still African but outside I have forgotten it all…
Africa, you promised to be permanent! Africa, I promised to be always yours, With the red dust of the village running Through my veins until I die but Memory is hard.
They say Africa is Permanent, that it Will not forget you even if You cannot remember but I guess skin colour was always The dividing line.
