Christian

As I give you a last embrace
I soak up what it feels like
As you stand and wave
I commit to memory your face
As I turn and walk away
I am hyper-aware of my surroundings.
I am pensive and sentimental
At our parting, my friend.

The air is slightly cool
But not enough to bring a chill
Your eyes are so bright and clear
The sight of them makes me smile
Your embrace is strong yet gentle
Infused with the warmth of your affection
And I’m amazed at how precious you are
Though my time here was short—
The things I’ll carry with me
The memories shared
That I’ll cherish forever.

It’s moist outside and I try to place it—
I’m not sure it’s quite drizzling
But it’s not considered a fog—
Even the not-rain can’t decide
But to lightly imply precipitation
Not really enough for an umbrella
But by the time I’ve walked far away
It’s enough to leave me wet
With reality: I’ll miss you.

And I’ll miss this street
And I’ll miss that tree
And I’ll miss that shop
And I’ll miss the church
And I’ll miss this weather
That can never decide
Whether it’s coming or going
Just like me: I hope I’ll return
But I don’t know if I ever will.
And just like you say of the weather,
It’s the spice of life.

And I wonder what you’re thinking
As I leave you
I wonder if you’re wishing
I would cry or show emotion
I’m pretty sure you’re thinking
You’ll miss me too
And I’m thinking
How much I used to hate it
When people would leave me.
I know the feeling all too well.

I’m remembering how I felt
When a friend came who I grew to love
Poured herself all in (just like I have)
Explored and tried new things—
It felt like I’d known her for ages
We talked about everything—
And then she was gone.
And she left with a smile on her face
No promise of return
(And I begged her to return).

(She never did.) Now I’m in her place
And I’m reliving that parting—
I don’t know exactly what you’re thinking
But I suspect I know
And that knowing makes this parting
Very poignant for me.
I’ve always been sentimental
But it’s hard to leave a place
When I know how it feels to be left
It’s harder to enter a place
And dive all in
When I know it might hurt you to love me.

Dear friend, I don’t know why
Life is filled with partings
But it is.
And that friend I met long ago
Taught me a lesson about loving wholly
So as much as it may hurt,
I think it’s worth it
And I hope you’ll understand
That if I never see you again
It’s not because I don’t love you.
I do.
And I’m so grateful I didn’t let fear hold me back
From loving you.
I think I finally understand how she felt
When she had to leave me.
Though I’ve not seen her since,
I learned much from her
And laughed and loved
Even as I have with you.

A groan of anguish seeks to escape—
I barely contain it.
Why, why, WHY
Why does it feel so broken?

This was to be a joyful reunion,
A celebration of the fruit of many years—
Yet here is heartache in the happiness.

All those years of labor and love,
Learning, laughing, making mistakes,
Working hard, patiently longsuffering.

All those tears of frustration and fear,
Not knowing if the work would last another day
Drudging through bias and politics and sickness and war
(Both the seen and the unseen)

All those years
All those tears
And for what?

After pouring our lives into these people,
This project, this purpose,
We’ve come back to visit and we find
Such heaviness and hardship.

Was it in vain?
To be put in a box and shut away
As if it never happened?

Was it a waste?
All those years
All those tears—
Gone?

I said my goodbyes years ago
And tucked the memories into my heart
As mementos of my childhood,
My home, my friends.
I thought I said goodbye.

And then I came to visit.
All the memories, all the hopes and fears
And laughs and loves
All the good years
Came flooding back.

But now I must leave for good.
My heart is breaking again,
Worse this time because
This crack is on top of another
Not yet fully healed.

All those years
All those tears
And for what?
Would it have been better
To never come here?

I cherished this place as my home
I loved these people as my family
I embraced this culture as my own
And then I had to leave—
Oh, how ecstatic this return!

Every moment excitement and joy
Every interaction perfect
Like I’m home again!
But now it hits me.

I’m giving her my last hug—ever?
Will I never walk this street again?
Will I never eat fruit from that tree again?
Must I truly say goodbye
To this place I love?

Oh, the tears
Oh, the years
The pain of this loss is physical.

Why does it feel so broken?
Will it ever be okay?
And yet
There is grace through the turmoil.

Love and loss
Lament amid joy
Seeds to harvest
Unity amid division
Together and apart.

All those years
All those tears
Seeds were planted.
Bridges were built.
Love was grown.

Maybe it seems
Worthless
Useless
In vain
Or a waste
But no.
We serve a God who’s always working
Who’s bigger than space and time,
Injustice and poverty.

Our work was not in vain
Because the work was God’s.
These friends are not lost
Because they’re eternal family.
This people is not done
Because we’ll worship with them
In paradise.

All these years are in His hands
All these tears He holds in a bottle.
God is working,
Just wait and see.